Random Thoughts
By The Cupid Stunt
Everyone in my life lately seems to be saying, "Did you do this? Did you do that?"
I say, “Yeah, yeah and what did you do?”
Nada.
Right.
Doc Mizrahi just wants to know what is up with Faye Dunaway. He knows that I have done, did, do what I was supposta.
Well, to the best of my ability anyway.
Ms. 91 likes to read so when we are in the doctor’s office she reads the signs.
In the lab she asks the technician, “What do you do?” The word “phlebotomist” on the sign is an unfamiliar one to Ms. 91. Shit, what happened yesterday is unfamiliar to Ms. 91. The phlebotomist (not a woman who is at a loss for words) is not quite sure how to frame the answer to a 94 year old.
I say, “She is a vampire.”
“She drains your blood.”
When we are finished Ms. 91 says of her blood, “Do I have any left?”
They only take as much as they need mom. They want you alive and the doctor has a mortgage ya know.
Ms. 91 needs an RX refill. Doc says to his medical student, “These are the mystery women… Mary calls in her Mom’s RX for Lasix again and again and I refill it… I’m not a complete asshole!”
He forgives my tardiness and at some point he needs to check her blood levels and I know all that, but she’s obstinate. What am I supposed to do bang her over the head with a frying pan and drag her in?
“Shit Doc! You know what she is like?”
Last time I called him on the cell we were months late for our appointments and his first words were “You’re still alive!”
Mary did you send that check? Mary can you fix the TV headphones? Mary did you solve Mom’s IRS deal?
Yeah, yeah, what? Was I waiting for you or you to offer to do it?
Oh, and believe it or not I once lived the high life.
I tell 91 about it.
Vendors gave me gift baskets… with good shit in them too, not stupid refridgerator magnets.
Why do I always forget there is no “D” in refrigerator?
Why is the slang for refrigerator “fridge”?
If a refrigerator makes things frigid (as in cold) why is the “D” missing?
A friend once gave me a small jar of white truffles. I have had truffle shavings on a dish at the Detroit Athletic Club and on venison at the Gulf Coast Restaurant , famous for its wild game, in NYC along with Champagne Kir or Kir Royale with a friend that had a tony apartment in Chelsea worth a mill.
Yeah, yeah, in a low-cut black velvet number and high heels.
These days I don’t even have the time or coin for the local morels (which I love more than truffles) at the Rattlesnake Club in Detroit, famous for fresh morel dishes and its creative use of other seasonal foods.
Maybe if hold a cardboard sign - I just want one morel... will dance for it.
Didn’t know I was once such a lucky girl. French or Italian truffles these days can cost you from $100- $300 bucks a dish and dealers are cutting them with the less desirable Chinese truffle to up profits like coke dealers use mannitol.
BUT, who needs fungus anyway!
AND, are they really people who sit around trying to figure out truffle trafficking? I can't imagine.
Oh, but just one sauteed morel would be really nice!
Next stop today the dentist. Everyone fawns over her. Of Ms. 91, Dr. Abbatte says, “She is so cute!” Yeah pal, that’s my Vera Wang hat she’s wearing!
Maybe she is my man magnet? The hottie lifeguards at the YMCA love her, waiters swoon over getting her seated, Doc sticks his tongue out at her, but he really, REALLY loves her. My boys on the lighting crew would walk my golden retriever, and my only real love, because he was a TOTAL babe magnet.
Can a 94 year old in a wheel chair be a stud magnet? Hmmmm…
And Shorty (my foster dog), well, he’s hardly a man magnet, but god dammit… here come the tears. He most likely will leave me next week for a forever home and he keeps nuzzling me and licking my chin as if to say “No, I want to stay!”
You know me… I have to keep room for the other strays.
Happy New Years everyone!
I’m tart, bitchy, and sarcastic, but deep down I have a love and fascination for mankind. For those of you, especially lately, that have cheered me on and been entertained by my splurting (yeah I know, spurting is probably more grammatically correct, but fuck it) of verbiage. I thank you and I love you for it.
If it weren’t for many of you I wouldn’t have stories to tell.
May all YOUR stories be fairy tales.
