The Magic Carpet

In January of 2008 Sporting News announced it's "Sporting Blog" featuring paid sportswriters...

By enova

Are you telling me that you can get PAID to do this!?!

Well sign me up!


In the spirit of "Hating the game and not the players", I offer to you, my benevolent and bi-curious (although that is simply a rumor) benefactors at Sportingnews.com, an informal application to fill one of the vacancies (you may or may not have) for PAID Blog Writer.

I know that I'm officially retired, but that is just a minor formality. If money is involved in the equation, I can switch back to ON Mode faster than Roger Clemens can switch cheeks during B12 sessions.

As I will attempt to show you, I am very qualified for this position.

Being highly qualified for this job is something I take great pride in, for I am a person filled with pride. Not unlike an Alpha Male Lion, I actually have a pride, but we can get into the why's and how's of that after a contract has been looked over and a approved by my personal stable of lawyers and talent agents.

My "work" here at sportingnews.com is almost legendary. My writings have been picked up by all the credible news outlets, such as your NFL site, your MLB site, and the always popular friends lists. Make no mistake, my writing would benefit your site greatly, as it would bring in at least three of four new readers who just may (or may not) be part of my immediate family.

It is that kind of pull, that sort of power, only a superior talent such as myself could wield.

The biggest pro (and there are no cons) to adding an immensely talented writer, such as myself, to your staff of writers is that they would all instantly gain street cred. Having credibility on the street is almost as important as having a dishwasher in your house. And hanging out with a guy like me is akin to being in 50 Cent's entourage. You'll get noticed everywhere you go, you'll never have to pay for meals, and like 50 Cent, half the time nobody knows what the hell I'm saying.

See? Right there. The fact that I went all double hockey sticks on a job ap is proof that I am not only brilliantly talented, but unconventional. I'm so unconventional that I've been banned from convention centers in 49 states, Canada, and the little known island of Dorko Rico.

Word to your cousins lost uncle! I'm both sides of the Yin~Yang.

Anyway...

If you would be so kind as to peruse the archives I've provided to you, in the blog that you provided to me, you would be more than satisfied that I have everything it takes to be one of your most loved PAID writers. My styles vary. My writing has an almost hypnotic quality that is rarely seen outside of a 19th Century opium den. My use of limericks, and other forms of poetry, are almost credible. The way that I have mastered the run-on-and on-and on -and on sentence is reminiscent of a bygone era when all writers couldn't make up their minds on whether or not to use form or function, therefore decided to use neither.

In addition:

My NFL picks have roughly the same success rate as those done by your experts. Although that is little to brag about. However, the way they are delivered is most unique and some would even say "down right charming". I have arguably the the most intellectual blog on this site. Every time someone reads an enova post, they feel smarter. Than me. I also cater to some of the most sophisticated readers on the entirety of the WWW. Like the good people of France, most of my readers are habitual drunks, chronic bath skippers, chain smokers, and VIP members of their local STD clinics. And they still think they are better than you! Yes. My readers may have an overabundance of underarm hair, but they do have plenty of Class.

In subtraction:

I am not burdened by lofty goals such as having my picture displayed on your front page. One of the links will suffice. I am not concerned whether or not anyone actually likes what I write. No good writer ever does. I am only concerned with pleasing myself (NO. Not in that way.), and waking up the next day and doing it all over again. I am a creature of habit, and I make it a habit to not make other habits which will make me a habitual habit breaker. Considering the fact that I'll be working from home, I won't require a parking space. Nor will I ever be late to a shift. If for some reason I am required to be at SN's HQ (don't make a habit of that!), I will personally FedEx myself in a box in order to save the company from paying the astronomical rates charged by Southwest Airlines.


Since my love for sports has been made abundantly clear over the past year or so that I've been a member here, I would like to let you know about a few of my more unique qualities. Qualities which I believe give me an edge over other applicants. Qualities which I believe give me an edge over everyone currently employed by Sportingnews.com. Sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging, but as I mentioned before, Hate the game and not the player.

Considering the fact that I am a pacifist, I will not be using bullet points. I prefer to call them peace points.


- I have a deep appreciation for football and baseball. I have watched many games on television, and have listened to even more on the radio. I have also attended games.

Impressed yet? Well there's less......

- My ability to link YouTube videos is unmatched.





- I am one of a select few people on the planet who knows that mixing one part Peter Cetera with two parts Echo & The Bunnymen will result in elevator music that nobody is compelled to sing along to.

- I am a master at using parentheses (they're really cool!) for added effect.

- I once saw MC Hammer and NWA play at the same concert. Which is kinda like seeing John Travolta open up for Slayer.

- Although my alleged ties to Balco and the Wham! Fan Club have never been proven, upon receiving a job offer, I will immediately sever those alleged ties. In fact I'll go two steps further. I will use my flux capacitor powered desk chair to travel back in time, where upon arrival, I will advise both George Michael and Victor Conte to get bent.

- I once completed five sides of a Rubik's Cube. Try that at home.

- I once had hair like Rafael Nadal until my girl friend reminded me that it was her hair, and nobody "owned" her.

- I like puppies. But only the cute ones.

- I'm a person of spirit and faith. I believe in the power of organically grown junk food, and although no one has actually seen Ozzie Guillen's good side, I still believe one exists.

- I'm both ambidextrous and bipolar, which means that I have the ability to write hate mail and love notes at the same time.

- I once had one of Ted Williams' baby teeth. One night, as an experiment, I placed it under my pillow at bed time. I awoke to find it replaced with a five cent package of Twinkies and a Mercury Head dime.

- Not only have I owned a globe, but I've sailed the grease of a 7 Layer burrito.

- Like many great writers before me, I can drink most people under the table.

- Although I have never officially had my ride pimped, I still have the flyest Ford Focus on my block.

- I can beat box. And I dont' mean that regular suburban white guy beat box. I mean some old school, Doug E Fresh quality beat boxing.

- I once got into a rap battle with a guy who called himself MC Jekyll. I laid waste to him using a style that could be best described as nursery rhyme. Here's an example:

nanny nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo doo
go back to nursery school, baby..... goo goo
coochi-coochi-coo, shake your rattle in the old school
then put on your bib, so you can dribble and drool
at rhymes cooked in the new school, harder than murder
still can't handle it? then go back to Gerber

Yeah..... good times.

- And I once was described thisly- if John Steinbeck and Anne Rice had an unmotivated child who didn't want anything to do with the family business.



Now that you know a little more about me, I would like to cyberly hand you a copy of my resume. I expect it to be returned if an offer of employment doesn't materialize. I heard there was an opening at Foxsports, and I only have one copy of that thing. Besides, as I mentioned at the beginning, I need a job.


My Resume

enova
P.O. Box 1235
Louisville, KY xxxxx

Grade School
Arcadia Valley Elementary
Ironton, MO
Major: It's grade school for Pete sakes!

Junior High
Arcadia Valley Junior High School
Ironton, MO
Major: Same as above

High School
Central Visual and Performing Arts High School
St. Louis, MO

Major: Theatre

Minor: Spending many hours trying to shorten the name of my high school

Extracurricular activities: Baseball, Soccer, Track, Full Contact Badminton, Choral Narration, Slam Dancing


College
Webster University
Webster Groves, MO

transferred to:

The Mysterious and Secretive School of Secret Mysteries and Mysterious Secrets
Mystery, AK

Major: It's a mysterious secret. Or.... is it a secret mystery? Ahhh......

2nd Major: Paraphilosophy and Personal Enlightenment, with a special emphasis on proving the existence of the third eye.

Extracurricular activities: Flag Football, Hopscotch, Flat lining

Personal note: While in Alaska I lived in an igloo that I constructed myself, and survived on nothing but fish sticks and liquefied saw dust. I learned how to speak all three dialects of Walrus. Fluently. So I'm certainly qualified to interview Mike Holmgren if needed. And I spent many nights writing about the hardships the local sun worshipers had during long interrupted months of darkness. That work can be provided upon request.


My work history will also be provided upon request. Suffice to say, it's lengthy and reads like a Who's Who, and what the @#$%! has this guy been doing all these years!?! Not that something like that has ever been a roadblock to employment in the past.


I thank you for your consideration and prompt response.




The very warmest of warm regards,


enova