Swapping Jerrys
By Paul White
With the start of the NBA play-offs just days away, and the NFL draft the following weekend, I have been forced to face a hard reality – my sporting world is out of whack. Restoring order to my universe requires solving two, very large and complex problems:
1. How do we get the Dallas Cowboys back to their rightful place as the premier franchise in the NFL?
2. How do we derail the juggernaut that has become the Los Angeles Lakers, so the Spurs can at least have a shot at winning the Western Conference sometime in the next three to five years?
At first glance, both propositions seem impossible. However, there is a solution that virtually guarantees success. It will take some masterly manipulation to implement it, but it's actually a very simple concept.
We need to swap Jerrys.
We need to bring Los Angeles Lakers' owner Jerry Buss to Dallas and install him as the majority owner of the Cowboys. In return, we need to export Jerry Jones to La-La land, so he can be the owner/general manager/personnel director/de facto head coach of the purple and gold.
That might sound like a strange proposition coming from me. It is well known and well documented that I despise the Lakers. In my mind, they are the hardwood equivalent of the Evil Empire. In fact, I am reasonably sure that if Darth Vader were a real person, he would have courtside seats next to Jack Nicholson at the Staples Center.
However, while I loathe L.A., I have nothing but respect for what this franchise has done. The Lakers have always been one of the best run organizations in all of professional sports. Buss continued this tradition when he bought the team thirty years ago. He has surrounded himself with front office talent and then stayed out of the way. As a result, the Lakers have rewarded him with eight titles during that span.
Getting Buss to go along with the deal won’t be hard. When original owner Clint Murchison put the Cowboys on the market back in the mid-80’s, Buss expressed a serious interest in acquiring the team. However, Tex Schramm prevailed upon Murchison to sell the franchise to another Texan. Murchison then sold the Pokes to Bum Bright (big mistake) who in turn sold out to Jones (bigger mistake).
Surely, this is a memory Buss still carries with him. Men like him, who are accustomed to getting everything they want, do not like to be denied. Just a hunch, but I would wager there is a part of Jerry Buss that still secretly covets the Dallas Cowboys.
The biggest obstacle in this plan is going to be prying the Cowboys loose from Jones. For all his faults (and they are legion), Jones truly loves this franchise. He will not give it up willing.
Fortunately, we are in Texas where strange things happen everyday, and even stranger things happen in election years. As fate would have it, we are about to plunge into a knockdown, drag out battle for the governorship.
The incumbent, Rick Perry, is trailing challenger Kay Bailey Hutchison by double digits in the early polls. He will do anything to get our support. During a tax day “tea party” on the steps of the capital, he went so far as to mention that Texas might consider seceding from the union.
Anytime a Texas politician mentions the words “secede” and “union” in the same sentence, you know right away they are desperate. This works out perfectly for our Jerry-swapping conspiracy. Desperate politicians are easily exploited.
According to wiki.answers.com, there are just under 13-million registered voters in Texas. While there is no way of knowing for sure, I believe you could conservatively estimate that 5 million of those voters are serious sports fans. These 5-million people would unite under one banner and pledge their support to Governor Perry, if he will use all his political skills without regard to ethical considerations or legal ramifications to get the following legislation passed:
1. No person can own a professional sports franchise in Texas unless that person was born on Texas soil and has remained a resident of this state during the course of his entire lifetime;
2. A non-native Texan will be excluded from this rule and allowed to own a Texas franchise provided he can meet the following criteria:
a. The prospective owner already owns another franchise in another state and is willing to divest himself of that franchise;
b. The prospective owner was on the faculty of the Chemistry Department at the University of Southern California;
c. The prospective owner has a daughter who has posed in Playboy; and
d. The daughter who posed in Playboy has slept with the current head coach of the prospective owner’s out-of-state franchise.
Granted, such a piece of legislation is unconstitutional on its face, but that is beside the point. We can hash that out in some appellate court at some future date. The important thing for now is to swap Hillbilly Jerry for Hollywood Jerry by whatever means are necessary.
The instant this happens, Jerry Buss will get on his private plane, jet over to North Carolina, knock on Bill Cowher’s door, hand him a blank check and turn over the reins of the franchise. We will not see or hear from Buss again until the opening game, when the networks will air a shot of him sitting in his owner’s box with a piece of bleached-blonde, Texas arm-candy.
With a solid foundation of talent already in place, a good jolt of Cowher Power will have the Cowboys right back in the Super Bowl. There will be several Lombardi trophies in our immediate future. And as joyful as that will be to watch, the real pay off in our scheme will come from watching the Lakers fly off the rails.
After firing Jimmy Johnson, it took Jones about 2-3 years to completely run the Cowboys into the ground. That was with a deep roster of 50 players and a coaching staff of 15. It won’t take him near that long to destroy the Lakers – six months would be a good bet. I can already envision the series of events.
1. Jones “re-assigns” Mitch Kupchak and appoints himself as the GM. When asked what he knows about the game of basketball, Jones informs the media that he played some hoops in the 8th grade and is therefore qualified to run the Lakers.
2. Within the first 48 hours, Jones holds an impromptu press conference and pledges that he will not interfere with Phil Jackson in anyway. “Phil is my man, and I trust him completely,” will be Jones’ closing remark.
3. Within 10 days, Phil Jackson will resign as the head coach of the Lakers when Jones informs him that “we need to get away from that triangle thing on offense.”
4. Within 24 hours of Jackson’s departure, Jones will hold another press conference and say, “There are at least a thousand coaches who could win a championship with a team this talented.” He then introduces his new head coach, Isaiah Thomas. (Zeke will go on to coach in Los Angeles for three seasons, during which time he diagrams a few plays, but otherwise engages in sexually harassing the Laker Girls.)
5. Within 30 days, Jones will begin to put his stamp on the roster. He decides that Allen Iverson is “misunderstood” and signs him to a 5-year, $54-million contract. He then trades Andrew Bynum to Houston for Ron Artest, explaining that “Ron will be a true superstar in this league in the right place.”
6. A week later, he deals Pau Gasol to Golden State for Stephen Jackson, who Jones feels “will really prosper playing with a character guy like Kobe.”
7. Once the season starts, Jones positions himself directly behind the bench where he can be seen scribbling notes and handing them to Thomas. An investigation later reveals Jones was actually sending plays to the coach. Further investigation reveals that Thomas ignored the owner’s suggestions, but Jones was too ignorant to know it.
8. As the trading deadline approaches, the Lakers find themselves seeded 13th in the Western Conference play-off picture. Kobe begins wearing a Terrell Owens' jersey and refuses to talk to the coach, his teammates or the press. He sets an NBA record by taking 176 shots in a single game, and three nights later, he breaks his own record by taking 244 shots.
9. Hours before the trade deadline, Jones calls another press conference. With a tear in his eye he says, “I love Kobe Bryant like a son. Because of that, I am going to let him go.” He then announces that Bryant has been traded to the Chicago Bulls for Derrick Rose, Eddy Curry, and three, second-round draft picks. Not only do the Lakers miss the play-offs that year, they never have another winning season throughout the entire 21st century.
Granted, this is nothing more than a far-fetched fantasy. Still, I hold out hope. Never underestimate the tenacity of a Texan with an agenda. If you doubt that last statement, just ask Al Gore and whoever was running his campaign in Florida back in 2000. Come to think of it, that whole reference to the 2000 presidential election just gave me an idea.
Does anybody have James Baker’s phone number?
1. How do we get the Dallas Cowboys back to their rightful place as the premier franchise in the NFL?
2. How do we derail the juggernaut that has become the Los Angeles Lakers, so the Spurs can at least have a shot at winning the Western Conference sometime in the next three to five years?
At first glance, both propositions seem impossible. However, there is a solution that virtually guarantees success. It will take some masterly manipulation to implement it, but it's actually a very simple concept.
We need to swap Jerrys.
We need to bring Los Angeles Lakers' owner Jerry Buss to Dallas and install him as the majority owner of the Cowboys. In return, we need to export Jerry Jones to La-La land, so he can be the owner/general manager/personnel director/de facto head coach of the purple and gold.
That might sound like a strange proposition coming from me. It is well known and well documented that I despise the Lakers. In my mind, they are the hardwood equivalent of the Evil Empire. In fact, I am reasonably sure that if Darth Vader were a real person, he would have courtside seats next to Jack Nicholson at the Staples Center.
However, while I loathe L.A., I have nothing but respect for what this franchise has done. The Lakers have always been one of the best run organizations in all of professional sports. Buss continued this tradition when he bought the team thirty years ago. He has surrounded himself with front office talent and then stayed out of the way. As a result, the Lakers have rewarded him with eight titles during that span.
Getting Buss to go along with the deal won’t be hard. When original owner Clint Murchison put the Cowboys on the market back in the mid-80’s, Buss expressed a serious interest in acquiring the team. However, Tex Schramm prevailed upon Murchison to sell the franchise to another Texan. Murchison then sold the Pokes to Bum Bright (big mistake) who in turn sold out to Jones (bigger mistake).
Surely, this is a memory Buss still carries with him. Men like him, who are accustomed to getting everything they want, do not like to be denied. Just a hunch, but I would wager there is a part of Jerry Buss that still secretly covets the Dallas Cowboys.
The biggest obstacle in this plan is going to be prying the Cowboys loose from Jones. For all his faults (and they are legion), Jones truly loves this franchise. He will not give it up willing.
Fortunately, we are in Texas where strange things happen everyday, and even stranger things happen in election years. As fate would have it, we are about to plunge into a knockdown, drag out battle for the governorship.
The incumbent, Rick Perry, is trailing challenger Kay Bailey Hutchison by double digits in the early polls. He will do anything to get our support. During a tax day “tea party” on the steps of the capital, he went so far as to mention that Texas might consider seceding from the union.
Anytime a Texas politician mentions the words “secede” and “union” in the same sentence, you know right away they are desperate. This works out perfectly for our Jerry-swapping conspiracy. Desperate politicians are easily exploited.
According to wiki.answers.com, there are just under 13-million registered voters in Texas. While there is no way of knowing for sure, I believe you could conservatively estimate that 5 million of those voters are serious sports fans. These 5-million people would unite under one banner and pledge their support to Governor Perry, if he will use all his political skills without regard to ethical considerations or legal ramifications to get the following legislation passed:
1. No person can own a professional sports franchise in Texas unless that person was born on Texas soil and has remained a resident of this state during the course of his entire lifetime;
2. A non-native Texan will be excluded from this rule and allowed to own a Texas franchise provided he can meet the following criteria:
a. The prospective owner already owns another franchise in another state and is willing to divest himself of that franchise;
b. The prospective owner was on the faculty of the Chemistry Department at the University of Southern California;
c. The prospective owner has a daughter who has posed in Playboy; and
d. The daughter who posed in Playboy has slept with the current head coach of the prospective owner’s out-of-state franchise.
Granted, such a piece of legislation is unconstitutional on its face, but that is beside the point. We can hash that out in some appellate court at some future date. The important thing for now is to swap Hillbilly Jerry for Hollywood Jerry by whatever means are necessary.
The instant this happens, Jerry Buss will get on his private plane, jet over to North Carolina, knock on Bill Cowher’s door, hand him a blank check and turn over the reins of the franchise. We will not see or hear from Buss again until the opening game, when the networks will air a shot of him sitting in his owner’s box with a piece of bleached-blonde, Texas arm-candy.
With a solid foundation of talent already in place, a good jolt of Cowher Power will have the Cowboys right back in the Super Bowl. There will be several Lombardi trophies in our immediate future. And as joyful as that will be to watch, the real pay off in our scheme will come from watching the Lakers fly off the rails.
After firing Jimmy Johnson, it took Jones about 2-3 years to completely run the Cowboys into the ground. That was with a deep roster of 50 players and a coaching staff of 15. It won’t take him near that long to destroy the Lakers – six months would be a good bet. I can already envision the series of events.
1. Jones “re-assigns” Mitch Kupchak and appoints himself as the GM. When asked what he knows about the game of basketball, Jones informs the media that he played some hoops in the 8th grade and is therefore qualified to run the Lakers.
2. Within the first 48 hours, Jones holds an impromptu press conference and pledges that he will not interfere with Phil Jackson in anyway. “Phil is my man, and I trust him completely,” will be Jones’ closing remark.
3. Within 10 days, Phil Jackson will resign as the head coach of the Lakers when Jones informs him that “we need to get away from that triangle thing on offense.”
4. Within 24 hours of Jackson’s departure, Jones will hold another press conference and say, “There are at least a thousand coaches who could win a championship with a team this talented.” He then introduces his new head coach, Isaiah Thomas. (Zeke will go on to coach in Los Angeles for three seasons, during which time he diagrams a few plays, but otherwise engages in sexually harassing the Laker Girls.)
5. Within 30 days, Jones will begin to put his stamp on the roster. He decides that Allen Iverson is “misunderstood” and signs him to a 5-year, $54-million contract. He then trades Andrew Bynum to Houston for Ron Artest, explaining that “Ron will be a true superstar in this league in the right place.”
6. A week later, he deals Pau Gasol to Golden State for Stephen Jackson, who Jones feels “will really prosper playing with a character guy like Kobe.”
7. Once the season starts, Jones positions himself directly behind the bench where he can be seen scribbling notes and handing them to Thomas. An investigation later reveals Jones was actually sending plays to the coach. Further investigation reveals that Thomas ignored the owner’s suggestions, but Jones was too ignorant to know it.
8. As the trading deadline approaches, the Lakers find themselves seeded 13th in the Western Conference play-off picture. Kobe begins wearing a Terrell Owens' jersey and refuses to talk to the coach, his teammates or the press. He sets an NBA record by taking 176 shots in a single game, and three nights later, he breaks his own record by taking 244 shots.
9. Hours before the trade deadline, Jones calls another press conference. With a tear in his eye he says, “I love Kobe Bryant like a son. Because of that, I am going to let him go.” He then announces that Bryant has been traded to the Chicago Bulls for Derrick Rose, Eddy Curry, and three, second-round draft picks. Not only do the Lakers miss the play-offs that year, they never have another winning season throughout the entire 21st century.
Granted, this is nothing more than a far-fetched fantasy. Still, I hold out hope. Never underestimate the tenacity of a Texan with an agenda. If you doubt that last statement, just ask Al Gore and whoever was running his campaign in Florida back in 2000. Come to think of it, that whole reference to the 2000 presidential election just gave me an idea.
Does anybody have James Baker’s phone number?